Notes - Hang Out with Alex (AMZ)

 Him - realize he suffers from guilt and comparison with his friend (who is better) than him in physical activities. This guilt and rumination causes him to not take action. There is no way he can improve himself if he focuses on someone else instead of his own progress - this stifle his creativity. Jealously also causes suffering

I see myself in him so it felt like I was speaking to myself.

I enjoyed the flow in convo as it got deep (he doesn't have friends who like to talk about self-development)

I can see that he wants to "level up" and no longer be a loser.

We have in common that we study dating advice

I admire his watch that says he has 59 yrs left to live his life

I also learn about myself when talking to him: the realizations above / things we agreed upon / importance of networking / shared experiences as a man (losing virginity)

He shared to me a brainstorming technique he calls it self-mentoring where you write down the topic you're focusing on and ways you can solve it with bullet points

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Was 3 hours but it was cool, educational, better than what I had expected or not expected. Made me gain experience in setting up meetups/"dates"

Seeking Love / Sex / Relationship (*?)

As pertain to the Think And Grow Rich book. I am desiring love. I want connection. I want sex. 

How do I get it? I got to be creative. I got to have Faith. It is already an uphill battle but I will not focus on that. 

I will focus on any and all opportunities I can find to find a relationship / love. 

I must consistently and constantly work on myself (always be ready). 

Use marketing to my effect. Win with creativity. Solve this desire in times of COVID. 

1. Clear skin / diet

2. Fit body from MMA

3. Social skills / Social life

4. Making money

5. Cold Approach

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Some ideas: 

1. Finish DM ASAP / Get exp. / Get internship / Get money / Move out

2. Go out often to get inspire - Go where the girls are: boba, malls, Asian stores

3. Approach people, make friends, be curious, potential lovers

4. Continue to work on myself (workout, image, nutrition)

5. Be smart - be obsessed

Feeling Good For No Reason - HIIT Workouts or MMA Cardio Training

I'm finally feeling good about myself and don't procrastinate as much. 

The secret of feeling good for no reason is and was signing up for the MMA Fight Like a Pro program where I did a alot of cardio kickboxing and HIIT training. 

It was as if momentum just carry over from one task to another.

Another thing I noticed was getting the workout the first thing out of the way - makes me feel great the rest of the day. I would not feel right unless I had workout early in the morning.

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Another win was finishing Jackie Chan's biography in 3 days (300 pg book).

The Neutering is Real at Home

 I Feel like a Neutered Asian Male. Here's the Victim Card...

-Being an Asian pushover. People thinking they can take advantage of me because I'm nice. Being Asian and being Nice doesn't work out in the real world. You already have it stacked against you as an "Asian pushover." Your parents and culture teach you to be submissive and obedient that you cannot think for yourself. Everything you do you need permission or are never good enough. 

-Being tasked by siblings for rides for all my life (drive them to school and to and from the airport). One isn't even grateful and now avoids me. The other has no remorse or cares about my needs or wants. Get used by them as in OPT within the family. Think what happens in the real world.

-Being manipulated by mother to not venture out from home so I can help her. Now getting the oh no I never said I was holding you back when I put the blame on her. She acts like she has amnesia and doesn't recall what she said to me in the past. Don't know why she fears for my desire to venture out of the nest. It's only normal.

Any questions or concerns I rely on Google or ask opinions from people instead of thinking for myself.

In the end it is my life and I will have to pay the price (sacrifice) family time that I've been raised and born into and stuck in for way too long in order to pursue my desires and to take responsibility for my own life. 

My mother isn't and doesn't understand me nor wants nor knows what's best for me. My dad isn't in the equation. My sister and brothers don't care for me and doesn't support my desires. I feel like I"m the only sane and caring person who thinks of others and caters to other and yet sometimes I don't know how to say NO. It's a life suck on my productivity, my well-being, I don't want to be a fucking pawn. I  don't want to be weak and in controlled. 

I'm a man and I want my freedom to do as I please. I'm done being emotional and a pushover because of my ethnicity and the way I've been used. If I still haven't had a date or long term gf than there's something that needs to change. If I tried my fucking best to go out there and approach and invested in all these programs just to come home and be programmed and bounded within the confines of my home than I need to grow up and get out.

-----Childhood Conditioning Filter

I could remember when I was a young boy I'd talk back but always get reprimanded for this; "Stop talking back!" Now I just keep it to myself and don't even have a voice. My parents don't have a voice. I have no leadership nor strong character to look up to. 

I would study Bruce Lee or watch Asian movies to have any sort of empowerment. The Western Media has purposely controlled and emasculated Asian men for their sick selfish gains. 

I do not want to be mediocre nor follow that trend. 

I will do it my way and carve my own path no matter how.

-----I will Manifest My Destiny

My way is to be the version that I want to see. To be street smart and to be an educated man. To be able to defend myself physically and verbally. To be brave and bold to do what I want because I do not listen to opinions of sheeps. I will find my tribe or create my tribe. I will work my ass off to be independent and disciplined. I will lead myself and do what I see as fair and right. I will hold up against my value and gold standard. I will not compromise because compromising is cheating oneself and cutting oneself short. I will be a great communicator and salesman of great thought. I will manifest my Destiny. I create my life because I am the CEO of my life. I do not need permission for anything. I learn from my own decisions because I take responsibility for my own actions. 

Think and Grow Rich - Step 1 = Desire

 

1. Exact amount: $20/hr landing my first job, $2000 client, $65,000 annual income

2. Pay the price to attain goal: Time, energy, ego aside, effort, beginners mind to study Digital Marketing

3. Firm deadline: Thursday, Dec 31, 2020

4. Plan: 3 hours min a day to work on the course. 6 hours + when off. (91-186 hrs)

5. Statement: I will land my first digital marketing job on Dec 31, 2020 which will pay $20/hr by offering my expertise on PPC/Google ads/FB ads

Template Statement: By 31 of December of 2020, I will work as a digital marketer paid $20/hr. In return for this wealth, I will add the most value to others by providing PPC/Google ads. I believe that I will possess this occupation; in fact, my faith is so strong that I see it already in my possession. As it is rightfully mine, I simply need to lay claim to it, and in direct proportion that I render service to others I will receive payment and incrementally approach the full ownership of my desire. With complete faith, I am awaiting a plan to obtain my desire, and I will follow that plan the moment it is received. 

6. Repeat affirmation am/pm and Visualize as already having it in possession

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Man's this is definitely scary because I am setting goals beyond my comfort zone. I don't know how I will make it or if it is realistic. That's probably why I have depend on my Creative Mind to make it happen (no need for logic). Exercise my Creative Power to force and create my destiny. 

Think and Grow Rich - Magnetizing Your Mind

What are your dominating thoughts? Which are constructive thoughts and which are destructive?

Currently my dominating thoughts are: I am depressed, life is boring, I am indecisive, I do not have the right environment, I cannot breath, I know what I should do but I don't do it, I'm lazy, I can do it later.

These are majority of destructive thoughts going on inside my head. These thoughts have shown in my action through my lack of self care. It hurts me because they are failure conscious meaning I hold limited beliefs of things not working or going my way in addition to believing in my own limitations and excuses for why I am not successful (ending in a downward spiral).

My constructive thoughts are...? (Blanking out). 

What I have been interested in studying is the Science of Success from Napoleon Hill and Bob Proctor.

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What is my definite purpose?

"I have the freedom to live an enjoyable life on my own terms while learning and growing mentally, physically, spiritually constantly."

Am I Addicted to My Misery?

What inspires me? 

The Secret (paradigm shift), Self-Development, meeting new people, going to new places, books, creating plans, other people's stories

What holds me back? 

Myself, comparison, boredom, over-thinking, researching, blame, guilt-tripping, excuses, money, my emotions, my bad habits, indecision, low self-esteem

What do I need to do? 

Exercise, work on my DM course, create a plan for MAJ Pagel

What did I do? 

Meditate, affirmation, self-help audio, read, create plans

Bad habits: sleeping in, sleeping too much, avoiding waking up when mother is up (avoiding her), procrastination, indecision

Goals? Lacking clarity, too lazy to plan

Diet? Sugar, bread, meat..., whatever food is at home, 

What makes me feel down? 

My thoughts, boredom, surrounding family members, stagnation, fear, lack of opportunities, lack of social communication, lack of exercise, stuck in my head, too lazy to do what I know should be done, SM, integrity, expectations

Inspiration to Change - to MOVE OUT - Self-discovery and Self-confidence

 So I have quite a few inspiration and they may seem crazy but here goes...

1. Switch full time for Amazon to downtown. Get a studio or apartment and then join an MMA school. Aspiring to be a pro MMA fighter. I was inspired by Thanh Le and Martin Nguyen. 

2. Start a YT channel when I move out about my journal and transformation to becoming the Asian male I want to be - to instill confidence to those who fall under the same boat (depression and lack of success as an Asian male). I like the creative aspect and the leverage I can have on this platform to share my  genuine self.

Reasons why I kept researching and asking people about moving out because I want to move out but never took action:

1. Staying at home stint growth

2. Alex at Amazon said I wasn't mentally 30

3. To be able to date

4. To be able to connect and befriend positive people I want into my life 

-What kind of man am I? - What kind of life do I want to live? - Who are my companions?

5. Watching this one Asian video guy and MW PUA talk about confidence and how Asians are meek made a lot of sense to me. I cannot live under the same roof with my parents anymore - they programmed me to be meek and also shoot my confidence because I care about what they think. They don't portray any confidence and it doesn't even help me to see them care so much about what others think of them. 

6. My environment (since I was a teen) is the same and also anchored me into depression

7. I do not like being around my dad who is there but not there. He's always on SM and is slow at doing tasks and doesn't do anything for the house or what I see a man should be. He eats the wrong type of food. Parents always argue or bicker about the same stupid shit. My little brother is also not useful or helplful but also disrespectful. 

Where did this IDGAF attitude towards my family come from? My father. Totally a weird character trait and is opposite of my mothers or my trait as an empath or highly sensitive person?

8. I want to move out to recreate myself. I mean I got a new car. What's next is a new place to live. To be able to freely create my life and mature as an adult.

From my research the negatives of living at home at my age are:

1. Stint growth / immature

2. Girls won't date me

3. Make less money

4. Not emotionally mature

5. Not ready for a family

6. Lack love and social life

7. Lack creativity (because tolerate at home too much)

2020 COVID19 and Further Downfall

It's been awhile since I journaled (not a verb but making it so). Probably not a good way to start off but whatever it gives some context how far I've stopped journaling. 

Currently I am still in the down low. I signed up for HIC but didn't finish when AT for drill came about and cut my flow. HIC also cut my flow while I got back to RP on Discord again with so much consistency for HTC. I was also attending Kumite and following along every post.

Next, I wasted my life and time falling deeper into depression. Working for Amazon, Zodiac, and "new" drill unit in Austin. 

Speaking of drill I was pulled randomly at every angle on random days to do some random stuff like going up there early for 2 days before drill just to do a promotion interview... Wasted money on motels and eating out daily. Also had RSP in Houston but didn't make the cut.

Furthermore I became more anxious and depressed and still not knowing what to do for my new position in Austin. I also didn't talk to anyone there. They are good leaders but I just felt I didn't fit in and wasted so much time sitting around not being able to do much.

It's insane to think of this waiting pattern/habit I've gotten myself into... I got a sheep mentality and I'm in a leadership role. Waiting tables I waited. Working for Amazon I waited and now the Army I waited... I WAITED AS MY LIFE PASS ME BY!!! 

I'm an impatient person (ambitious/ruby) yet I live and work with people who require me to be a waiting sheep to the slaughter! Lol.

Really I've been having so much judgmental thoughts on my surroundings and negative thoughts of myself that it doesn't stop and prevents me from doing anything. Funny how the word judgmental has the word mental in it. 

Anyways I realized how the Army has always prevented me from accomplishing any of my civilian endeavors (HTC, Luxury car sales, HIC, applying to jobs). It pisses me off to be a part-time soldier that I'm done with it all. 

I also failed the promotion board and was super anxious that I couldn't speak correctly. I told them I want outs. Luckily I was heard and I now my next move is to do the paperwork and talk to my unit about quiting. I have to convince them the sooner the better. I'm done with dealing with BS.

I struggled to decide which DM course to take and finally took action in a more practical safer route with more testimonials - Seth's course. I have been putting that off too. Mental health is really important. Environment is really important too.  

Psychology of Winning Day 5

1. One thing I would begin doing tomorrow if there were no constraints of money, time, or circumstance
- Learn another language fluently like Japanese, Korean, Mandarin
- Learn an instrument like Guitar, Piano, Lo-fi

2. One thing that has been a lifelong dream of mine
- Don't have one but good question. What is a lifelong dream of mine?
- Travel the world and learn different martial arts was what I had said one time.
- Recently I want to make 10k/month by developing and using this High-Income Closing skill

Red Pill Pit

Sorry to my mother who has to endure my complaining and bitching. My BMW. I was so tired of all the lies that society, family and teachers ingrained in me since a kid.

Reading a Red Pill book really pisses me off because it's the truth. How can an author who don't know about me predicted my exact outcome of graduating college and being underemployed?

There are so many traps in the real world all just leading one to be brainless and into a slaughter house.

But then what can I do?

MASTER sales? Be an ethical salesman? Do marketing? Gain real world life skills? Stop judging the job or career because none with be perfect? Get underpaid doing bs?

What opportunities will be out there unless I venture out?

My mindset is fucked up because of all this BS indoctrination.

Downfall Recap So Far 2019 - 2020

Before 2019 ended I was in school for OTA for 6 months. The school shut down right as I was about to start my 3rd semester on Monday.

I was volunteering at Operation Care during Xmas and met two couples who were part of PHP an MLM company who I was exposed to before when I was an energy consultant at the mall.

I decided since the school close I can fill out papers not to continue because I don't want to go to the other private school that is more costly. I had money saved up too and was paying some tuition. I thought if I not continue than I could have my loans waived which did happened. I was then switching to life insurance. I think this decision fucked me over looking in hindsight.

So since Jan-July and maybe August I was with PHP for say 7 months and went to their big events in SA and Vegas.

I signed up and wasted most of my savings on 3 + 2 PUA seminar thinking I was going to Master it this year.

I made some really bad decisions or decisions based on abundance because I felt like I didn't need to work and I could do whatever I wanted even though I was still working PT as a server.

I had some but very slight success in PHP and the PUA seminar. I kept my word and traveled to Las Vegas, Montreal, and even Austin for the PUA bootcamp and it's funny I went to Las Vegas twice 2019. I was also trying to finish up my HTC course.

Actually part of why I stop continuing OTA school was because I had invested 2.5k as well into HTC and got upsold on Inner Circle for another couple thousand until my finances started reaching up to me that I canceled HTC-IC January of 2020 after paying that monthly $200 / month since joining IC around March?

So I spend about 6.7K not including the trip to CIB in September? Including the ticket, flight, and hotels I've spent probably 7.2K in HTC and like 9K in PUA (including flights, food, etc.).

Been depressed trying to find and implement my HTC skills and depressed over having to leave IC. I felt like I wasn't taking full advantage of it and there was just way too much side work and I couldn't keep up with it all. I'd have to read multiple books, do the belts, role-play, and get certificates on Hubspot.

I made a good friend from CIB which I still talk to this day from BC, Vancouver.

It's now half the month or 3 months into 2020. I had RP and time blocked and implemented what I learn and avoided my family to RP for about a month and a half and then stopped.

Some good was I was persistent in making it to KF and finally had my first event with them. I'm currently learning staff pole form and doing mutual fight with Roy.

I had apply to so many sales job so I can practice HTC but most rejected me. I also got an offer at a luxury car dealership and thx to mil obligation I couldn't do all 3 days of training. I got depressed and also anxious. The drive was far and this was what happened that lead me to stop RPing and also doubting Dan Lok who changed his model from influencer finding into inbound.

Went with sister to Puerto Rico with parents and sister's bf even though I didn't want to at first.

Since then I've been depressed and wasting time. No love life. No one hires me that is in close proximity. No more IC. Ended 24 HR membership.

Been very self-destructive. No purpose. Losing muscles. No positive habits. Sleeping in and lying in bed wasting life away. Being a taker and just being hopeless and helpless. Have roof and food thanks to parents but don't have independence or lifeskills or finance to move out. Had offer to live down South but being with parents so long I got guilt trip and attached. Less prone to risks...

Good news is I'm meditating back even though it's been difficult to do and even focus on sitting still and reading a Wayne Dyer book on Erroneous Zone.

Limitless Freedom and Abundance

I'm imagining my "best life."

I'm inspired by what Bob Dylan said about doing what you want to do in between waking up and sleeping and the money comes.

This sounds like pursuing your passion in life. Something like a calling.

In my best life if I could retrace back to my younger years and if money wasn't an issue I'd...

If I can do anything I'd travel the world and live in a foreign country. I love languages and I was taking Spanish for 6 years. What I truly believe was total immersion in order to learn the language. I would love to volunteer or be an English teacher in South America before those programs became more popular as they are today. Other countries that I was interested in are Korea or Japan.

If I can do anything I'd dance and sing. I'd live life full of joy pursuing and going to see Big Bang, BTS, BAP, etc. I know I love and have a talent for dancing but it was never developed. Fun fact - I realized the other day that the majority of the things I learned or enjoyed was doing things own my own and that I did not learn from school. Well aside from extracurricular such as learning how to run XC, Track, and lifting weights, classes didn't teach me much. Electives taught me more than core classes - Spanish, Tech, Typing class, Spiritual Journaling.

If I can do anything I'd like to visit my family in VN more often so that I can understand two sides of the world as well as be more connected with them. It's been 8 years since I've been back to my homeland and it breaks my heart that yesterday it was so random that my uncle called me through messenger. I remember my extended family back in VN have big hearts - something I did not feel ever before living in USA.

If I can do anything I'd like I told my friends I'd travel and learn martial arts from all over the world. Funny thing is there were shows of guys doing this. I love martial arts. It's unfortunate that the martial arts here are for most managed for profit and does not teach ethics. I learned while watching Chinese KF movies as a kid with my family that martial arts is not only something cool but there is a deeper meaning behind it. Bruce Lee demonstrated the martial arts best physically as well as philosophically. No one and rarely anyone is on the forefront today like Bruce. It's all about going to class for about an hour and a half and then going home with no emphasis on ethics.

I'd say whatever I want to say and post whatever I want to post and not be afraid that employers would look me up to judge me and find reasons not to hire me.

Just doing this exercise I feel happy and in a good head space. I feel unlimited and abundance. I don't want family, friends or society to tell me what I can or cannot do. I know they mean well but me being naive and young have listened to them and not been able to have faith in myself. When my mindset and theirs do not line up and they want to see me fail and not support me to want to tell me off - "I told you so" wanting to be right to fulfill their egos, it's a recipe for disaster and no body leaves happy.

I learned recently to not focus on being right but being kind.

Kids and Children in America

I have no tolerance for children in America especially the way I see their behaviors and how they are raised.

They are all hyper kids who break traditional norms that I was raised up in. They can't sit still and eat. They are addicted to the screen as much as their parents are.

They are picky eaters. I don't tolerate or have room for kids who parents pamper.

How to Soar w/ Eagles When at the Bottom

The whole concept of if you want to soar with eagles than don't hang out with ducks needs to be addressed here.

I like and agree to the fact that like minded successful people should hang out together. What if I am not "successful?" how can I access successful people who will take me in under their wing or spend time with me?

1. Improve my communication skills so that I can make friends and influence people
2. Develop a certain skill SO useful or practical so that I can add value to people's life
3. Know someone who can refer me to that successful person
4. Fake it until you become it. Just do whatever it takes to spend time with quality people
5. Train my RAS to target the type of people I admire or who are crushing it
6. Target and give value to those people I want to spend time with
7. Learn to give value in general so good karma will come around or the person I gave value to is actually someone noteworthy but I didn't know or it could be a reference

Final step - Be persistent and keep elevating. Keep on self-developing and taking action. "The difference that makes a difference is always ACTION."

Family Disconnect and Unshared Values

What negative pattern have I've been in?

When I am frustrated about my current situation or am not moving where I want to be I lash out towards others and sort of "blame" them for not helping me where I want to be. I'm probably a selfish asshoe who thinks me me me and doesn't do shit to help others. Too stuck inside my head and am afraid that if I help others or yield too much I am wasting my time on my pursuits.

I know I am an independent person and am probably not going to like living with people. People just make dumb moves when they aren't aligned with the same goals or values. I figured this out on other friends and acquaintance but now I realized this also affects my family life as well.

If my mother and father aren't entrepreneurial but worker bees than they will do a lot of things that tick me off because I see it as a waste of time and not productive.

What happened this afternoon after lunch was stuff like this:

1. Father cannot communicate expressively his wants or desires when giving a tip.
2. Mother doesn't realize her ways as in going to places and looking at stuff is a waste of time especially for someone like me who has no future going career.
3. Father recommends sloth and laziness and doesn't even know it. Says go to sleep and eat at the most unproductive time.
4. Both are horrible communicators (soft spoken, meek) and horrible listeners. When I'm telling them something I don't feel that I am being heard. I don't feel that they even acknowledged my words. When my mother was speaking I had to ask her to speak up so many times.

Their behaviors are poison and opposite of what a successful person would behave.

Every micro decision or shitty decision that doesn't align with my goals I get pissed off. They won't and don't understand my mind nor the books that I've read. It's also a zap in energy and I fucking hate it when I start to vent and all my dad can reply is about how feeling; Stop your whining but doesn't take in the message or consideration to why I'm expressing these feelings. He has no sympathy or empathy.

Now that just pisses me off even more.

Like off topic but when I wrote so many paragraphs and let Justin read it and I ask for feedback all he said was "woah dude you wrote an essay."

For fucks sake! That's all you have to say? What Asian idiotic moron can you be to think you can keep someone's attention or hold a conversation if you're acting like a balloon head!?

My mother said I'm being difficult. I keep telling her if I am not difficult I'm not going to be successful. Successful people are difficult. In order to be effective you have to be selective not a wishy washy cunt who wants to do this and change his or her mind because of this or that.

That's the other thing I hate about my mother. She cannot make up a decision and is wishy-washy. She's so insecure and I've learnt through her and father to be not only quiet around crowds, but passive, and not take a leadership position. How can anyone be a leader if he or she doesn't believe in him or herself?