It's been awhile since I journaled (not a verb but making it so). Probably not a good way to start off but whatever it gives some context how far I've stopped journaling.
Currently I am still in the down low. I signed up for HIC but didn't finish when AT for drill came about and cut my flow. HIC also cut my flow while I got back to RP on Discord again with so much consistency for HTC. I was also attending Kumite and following along every post.
Next, I wasted my life and time falling deeper into depression. Working for Amazon, Zodiac, and "new" drill unit in Austin.
Speaking of drill I was pulled randomly at every angle on random days to do some random stuff like going up there early for 2 days before drill just to do a promotion interview... Wasted money on motels and eating out daily. Also had RSP in Houston but didn't make the cut.
Furthermore I became more anxious and depressed and still not knowing what to do for my new position in Austin. I also didn't talk to anyone there. They are good leaders but I just felt I didn't fit in and wasted so much time sitting around not being able to do much.
It's insane to think of this waiting pattern/habit I've gotten myself into... I got a sheep mentality and I'm in a leadership role. Waiting tables I waited. Working for Amazon I waited and now the Army I waited... I WAITED AS MY LIFE PASS ME BY!!!
I'm an impatient person (ambitious/ruby) yet I live and work with people who require me to be a waiting sheep to the slaughter! Lol.
Really I've been having so much judgmental thoughts on my surroundings and negative thoughts of myself that it doesn't stop and prevents me from doing anything. Funny how the word judgmental has the word mental in it.
Anyways I realized how the Army has always prevented me from accomplishing any of my civilian endeavors (HTC, Luxury car sales, HIC, applying to jobs). It pisses me off to be a part-time soldier that I'm done with it all.
I also failed the promotion board and was super anxious that I couldn't speak correctly. I told them I want outs. Luckily I was heard and I now my next move is to do the paperwork and talk to my unit about quiting. I have to convince them the sooner the better. I'm done with dealing with BS.
I struggled to decide which DM course to take and finally took action in a more practical safer route with more testimonials - Seth's course. I have been putting that off too. Mental health is really important. Environment is really important too.
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