Contemplated Ending My Life

 Contemplated ending my life for some reason. Is it because...

-rejection from a girl

-disrespect from the military

-failure to succeed in online courses

-fake life

-social media

-laziness

-numbed feeling

-shallow breathing

-negative media such as Asian Hate crimes

-the texts with Alex?

I walked around behind the hotel at night like usual then stopped at the pond and an ideation popped up that I should jump in the water and drown myself.

I go back after like an hour plus of walking alone to my thoughts and sometimes singing Vietnamese and entered my room.

I grabbed a knife to cut an orange and a thought of I should stab myself and then jump into the lake came up in my mind. 

I thought to myself I will say goodbye to everyone online as a common courtesy before I do away with myself. 

I thought I should write, "Fuck you so and so and fuck you racists" and all before I end it. 

I thought it would be so selfish of me to kill myself on my sisters bday. Wouldn't it mess up her bday every year?

Then I sit there blank and barely breathing. Staring into nothingness and feeling nothingness.

I catch to my senses and think - why can't I control my mind? Do I really hate myself that much? Why do I hate myself so much? Is it because I am not deserving of love? Am I comparing myself with others? Is my addiction to Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube causing me to compare myself towards others and that is why I hate myself so much?

Is it because I want to improve and know what I need to do but don't do it? Is it because I cannot control what others think of me (those who disrespect me)?

Solutions

It probably is all of this. So where do I go from here? 

1. I will stop using social media. 
2. I will focus on my digital marketing assignments which I have putting off
3. I will get clear on what I want like run for exercise or hit the gym for 30 mins
4. I will take action despite how I feel because I feel like crap when I don't take action (I thought I would feel naturally happy if I just be but no). I feel pressure to "keep up with the Jones" or achieve success. America is fucked up in this sense. They are workaholics and everything is expensive. 
5. I need to travel outside of America for a long period to see the world and learn about the world.