Contemplated ending my life for some reason. Is it because...
-rejection from a girl
-disrespect from the military
-failure to succeed in online courses
-fake life
-social media
-laziness
-numbed feeling
-shallow breathing
-negative media such as Asian Hate crimes
-the texts with Alex?
I walked around behind the hotel at night like usual then stopped at the pond and an ideation popped up that I should jump in the water and drown myself.
I go back after like an hour plus of walking alone to my thoughts and sometimes singing Vietnamese and entered my room.
I grabbed a knife to cut an orange and a thought of I should stab myself and then jump into the lake came up in my mind.
I thought to myself I will say goodbye to everyone online as a common courtesy before I do away with myself.
I thought I should write, "Fuck you so and so and fuck you racists" and all before I end it.
I thought it would be so selfish of me to kill myself on my sisters bday. Wouldn't it mess up her bday every year?
Then I sit there blank and barely breathing. Staring into nothingness and feeling nothingness.
I catch to my senses and think - why can't I control my mind? Do I really hate myself that much? Why do I hate myself so much? Is it because I am not deserving of love? Am I comparing myself with others? Is my addiction to Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube causing me to compare myself towards others and that is why I hate myself so much?
Is it because I want to improve and know what I need to do but don't do it? Is it because I cannot control what others think of me (those who disrespect me)?
It probably is all of this. So where do I go from here?
Appearance - Let's start with women first and what society values in a women. Society values outer looks in a women first and foremost. She can get more job opportunities and dating prospects.
With social media these days women can display themselves to attract potential suitors. We all see women on instagram gaining likes and followers with ease no matter if she's in cosplay or working out. Face, boot, skin, boobs all are thirst traps women use to lure in followers, likes, and attention. Her social value is her outward appearance.
Independence (not as a big factor)- Now a days we have women empowering women and more movies of strong, independent female characters.
Question: Who do I want to become?
Answer:
A Digital Marketer / Free lancer, help businesses, online marketer, self-directed learner
A Good Friend / Share wisdom with friends, help friends out, show friends and shared experiences, challenge friends
A Good Son / Give back to family, be happy, be loving, be caring, be supportive, win, lead my own life, lead them
A Man / Purposeful, brave, physically strong, mentally strong, clever, creative, a FORCE to be reckoned with, lead myself, lead others, confident
Question: What is my Purpose?
Answer: To accomplish my goals and strive towards becoming a better person. To adopt a growth mindset. To adapt. To find myself. To win however small or big and to learn from my mistakes or the mistakes made by others.
Question: What do I want to do?
Answer: Travel EU and Asia / Date beautiful women
Question: What am I proud of?
Answer: My genes, my fluency in being Bilingual
Focus on myself and my goals and how I can help others with my skills.
The rest is easy - just do it, take massive action towards my goals to BECOME a Digital Marketer, A Good Friend, A Good Son.
Like a Diablo character I work on myself. I gain experience and level up.
Strategically my own self-help pro-tip is that I want to focus my energy on what I want to become. Focus on the traits that I find admirable or desirable in others and work towards creating that for myself. So hang around people who are confident. Hang around other fighters. Hang around successful people doing big things and see how I can help them in anyway.
Honestly ask myself what am I doing and is it getting me towards what I want? Be like BL and implement what is useful and discard what is useless or doesn't work.
I'm listening to my intuition...
Milad said I should go on a dating app. I've had no luck on there before even after paying for the services. Yesterday's post was about investing in building oneself / business rather than focus on "chasing girls." I personally feel that I'm not ready to put myself out there because I do not have a stable career. I don't like what I'm currently doing.
I think the date with Vi taught me that I have a negative vibe / energy. I'm not loving, I have a serious face, I'm AFC because I am not winning in any area.
If someone where to ask me what have I accomplished recently I wouldn't have anything to "brag" about. This also means that I have no pride in anything in my life. I am not proud of anything. Nobody wants to hang around a moping loser or negative person.
I have to turn the table and strive towards success. To strive for the results that I want without mercy.
"No Mercy"
Recently I've noticed a common pattern. Why does it all happen in such synchrony? I mean it's only been two days and I've seen 3 Youtube videos of the same thing happening about this female thirst trap.
When things are in sync like this I feel like the Universe is forewarning me or teaching me a great lesson so listen up.
Female Thirst Trap - When a female strategically lures in a lot of beta males like a "Siren" from Greek mythology breaking the hearts and lives of many men who lust for her attention but in the end she already knows what she wants (the Alpha or the one with wealth and status) and only ends up fucking the Alpha of her choice.
So after last Sunday's date with Vi which seems to be a flop. I don't know why she's down to hang out yet is so distance from me.
I texted her yesterday and still haven't heard anything from her today.
After analyzing the date with Tony it kind of seemed like I was talking bad about her and it was like intuitively I know it wasn't going to work out with her and that it's okay the fact that she doesn't text me after the date.
Her interest level was either not there anymore after the date because I sensed it not being there during the date. I cannot even contemplate calling it a date because of her social distancing lol.
Anyways having known all this and accepting that she isn't interested I am still hurt... I feel rejected and it's no fun.
I know I don't have a lot of experience with girls even though I try and go out of my way to study them, approach them, and plan dates when I happen to get one in a blue moon. Here is me wasting my efforts, energy, and time while the girl is probably blase since she has so many options from online to offline to family and friends introduction.
Why do I think she isn't interested in me?
I hate the word "No." How many times did I have to face this word?
No you cannot buy that toy as my siblings and I begged and begged on the streets where a seller was selling toys on a cart in VN.
No we cannot afford martial arts school.
No we cannot afford extracurricular for you to play an instrument. It costs money to buy or rent an instrument.
No you have to do this homework or take this class to graduate.
Naturally when we were kids we would ask for things or want things but when our parents cannot afford it or tells us no we feel rejected or not loved. This goes deep. We don't know what love is really.
In Asian culture we believe love is meant given attention or whatever it is to one and another. So when we hear the word, "No" it is as if the ones we believe who raised and loved us, our parents, are rejecting us.
So we get bitter and bitter and unhappy when we don't get what we want. We think to ourselves am I worthy of love?
No you cannot stay out with friends.
No you cannot do a sleep over with your friends (We think to ourselves - Does my parent even trust me? Apparently not...)
Do you think any door of opportunities will open if the word "No" is tossed around so frivolously? Saying "No" is like being closed-minded. It's like closing the door or not even trying to open the door that could unlock to new relationships, opportunities, or interests.
Life is more than just staying at home watching tv, surfing the net, or playing video games. These fake realities that we create and bubble that we create for ourselves is limiting our vast potential as a human being.
On top of that being nice or being reserved/timid does not help. Being afraid of the world does not help.
We must be lions at heart and face the world in which the reality it presents itself head on. Would a Lion be a King if he isn't able to face his fears and look at his enemies right in the eyes? Definitely no and no one would want to follow a coward.
Cowardice comes in many forms. The word itself implies taking advantage of the weak, being weak, or being afraid to take things head on. You can safely associate the word cowardice with fear. Don't be a "cow" be a humble, bold and determined Lion King!
1. Instead of directly telling a kid "No" you cannot have this or do that explain to them what they COULD do to attain it. And also do not lie to the kid by coming up with excuses to justify the no for example, "You cannot go inside that cave, there's a monster in there."
Asians for some reason like to instill fear or use fear as a tactic to prevent children from doing things and manipulating children to do things they wish. What does this do to the kid? It instills fear of the world, and anxiety at an early age that the world is not safe.
2. Donate time or money to underprivileged kids to allow them to do extracurricular activities. This will allow them not only to learn and be confident in themselves but also stay away from trouble like drugs and alcohol.
"All knowledge is self-knowledge." - Bruce Lee
