Think and Grow Rich - Step 1 = Desire

 

1. Exact amount: $20/hr landing my first job, $2000 client, $65,000 annual income

2. Pay the price to attain goal: Time, energy, ego aside, effort, beginners mind to study Digital Marketing

3. Firm deadline: Thursday, Dec 31, 2020

4. Plan: 3 hours min a day to work on the course. 6 hours + when off. (91-186 hrs)

5. Statement: I will land my first digital marketing job on Dec 31, 2020 which will pay $20/hr by offering my expertise on PPC/Google ads/FB ads

Template Statement: By 31 of December of 2020, I will work as a digital marketer paid $20/hr. In return for this wealth, I will add the most value to others by providing PPC/Google ads. I believe that I will possess this occupation; in fact, my faith is so strong that I see it already in my possession. As it is rightfully mine, I simply need to lay claim to it, and in direct proportion that I render service to others I will receive payment and incrementally approach the full ownership of my desire. With complete faith, I am awaiting a plan to obtain my desire, and I will follow that plan the moment it is received. 

6. Repeat affirmation am/pm and Visualize as already having it in possession

----------

Man's this is definitely scary because I am setting goals beyond my comfort zone. I don't know how I will make it or if it is realistic. That's probably why I have depend on my Creative Mind to make it happen (no need for logic). Exercise my Creative Power to force and create my destiny. 

Think and Grow Rich - Magnetizing Your Mind

What are your dominating thoughts? Which are constructive thoughts and which are destructive?

Currently my dominating thoughts are: I am depressed, life is boring, I am indecisive, I do not have the right environment, I cannot breath, I know what I should do but I don't do it, I'm lazy, I can do it later.

These are majority of destructive thoughts going on inside my head. These thoughts have shown in my action through my lack of self care. It hurts me because they are failure conscious meaning I hold limited beliefs of things not working or going my way in addition to believing in my own limitations and excuses for why I am not successful (ending in a downward spiral).

My constructive thoughts are...? (Blanking out). 

What I have been interested in studying is the Science of Success from Napoleon Hill and Bob Proctor.

------------

What is my definite purpose?

"I have the freedom to live an enjoyable life on my own terms while learning and growing mentally, physically, spiritually constantly."

Am I Addicted to My Misery?

What inspires me? 

The Secret (paradigm shift), Self-Development, meeting new people, going to new places, books, creating plans, other people's stories

What holds me back? 

Myself, comparison, boredom, over-thinking, researching, blame, guilt-tripping, excuses, money, my emotions, my bad habits, indecision, low self-esteem

What do I need to do? 

Exercise, work on my DM course, create a plan for MAJ Pagel

What did I do? 

Meditate, affirmation, self-help audio, read, create plans

Bad habits: sleeping in, sleeping too much, avoiding waking up when mother is up (avoiding her), procrastination, indecision

Goals? Lacking clarity, too lazy to plan

Diet? Sugar, bread, meat..., whatever food is at home, 

What makes me feel down? 

My thoughts, boredom, surrounding family members, stagnation, fear, lack of opportunities, lack of social communication, lack of exercise, stuck in my head, too lazy to do what I know should be done, SM, integrity, expectations

Inspiration to Change - to MOVE OUT - Self-discovery and Self-confidence

 So I have quite a few inspiration and they may seem crazy but here goes...

1. Switch full time for Amazon to downtown. Get a studio or apartment and then join an MMA school. Aspiring to be a pro MMA fighter. I was inspired by Thanh Le and Martin Nguyen. 

2. Start a YT channel when I move out about my journal and transformation to becoming the Asian male I want to be - to instill confidence to those who fall under the same boat (depression and lack of success as an Asian male). I like the creative aspect and the leverage I can have on this platform to share my  genuine self.

Reasons why I kept researching and asking people about moving out because I want to move out but never took action:

1. Staying at home stint growth

2. Alex at Amazon said I wasn't mentally 30

3. To be able to date

4. To be able to connect and befriend positive people I want into my life 

-What kind of man am I? - What kind of life do I want to live? - Who are my companions?

5. Watching this one Asian video guy and MW PUA talk about confidence and how Asians are meek made a lot of sense to me. I cannot live under the same roof with my parents anymore - they programmed me to be meek and also shoot my confidence because I care about what they think. They don't portray any confidence and it doesn't even help me to see them care so much about what others think of them. 

6. My environment (since I was a teen) is the same and also anchored me into depression

7. I do not like being around my dad who is there but not there. He's always on SM and is slow at doing tasks and doesn't do anything for the house or what I see a man should be. He eats the wrong type of food. Parents always argue or bicker about the same stupid shit. My little brother is also not useful or helplful but also disrespectful. 

Where did this IDGAF attitude towards my family come from? My father. Totally a weird character trait and is opposite of my mothers or my trait as an empath or highly sensitive person?

8. I want to move out to recreate myself. I mean I got a new car. What's next is a new place to live. To be able to freely create my life and mature as an adult.

From my research the negatives of living at home at my age are:

1. Stint growth / immature

2. Girls won't date me

3. Make less money

4. Not emotionally mature

5. Not ready for a family

6. Lack love and social life

7. Lack creativity (because tolerate at home too much)

2020 COVID19 and Further Downfall

It's been awhile since I journaled (not a verb but making it so). Probably not a good way to start off but whatever it gives some context how far I've stopped journaling. 

Currently I am still in the down low. I signed up for HIC but didn't finish when AT for drill came about and cut my flow. HIC also cut my flow while I got back to RP on Discord again with so much consistency for HTC. I was also attending Kumite and following along every post.

Next, I wasted my life and time falling deeper into depression. Working for Amazon, Zodiac, and "new" drill unit in Austin. 

Speaking of drill I was pulled randomly at every angle on random days to do some random stuff like going up there early for 2 days before drill just to do a promotion interview... Wasted money on motels and eating out daily. Also had RSP in Houston but didn't make the cut.

Furthermore I became more anxious and depressed and still not knowing what to do for my new position in Austin. I also didn't talk to anyone there. They are good leaders but I just felt I didn't fit in and wasted so much time sitting around not being able to do much.

It's insane to think of this waiting pattern/habit I've gotten myself into... I got a sheep mentality and I'm in a leadership role. Waiting tables I waited. Working for Amazon I waited and now the Army I waited... I WAITED AS MY LIFE PASS ME BY!!! 

I'm an impatient person (ambitious/ruby) yet I live and work with people who require me to be a waiting sheep to the slaughter! Lol.

Really I've been having so much judgmental thoughts on my surroundings and negative thoughts of myself that it doesn't stop and prevents me from doing anything. Funny how the word judgmental has the word mental in it. 

Anyways I realized how the Army has always prevented me from accomplishing any of my civilian endeavors (HTC, Luxury car sales, HIC, applying to jobs). It pisses me off to be a part-time soldier that I'm done with it all. 

I also failed the promotion board and was super anxious that I couldn't speak correctly. I told them I want outs. Luckily I was heard and I now my next move is to do the paperwork and talk to my unit about quiting. I have to convince them the sooner the better. I'm done with dealing with BS.

I struggled to decide which DM course to take and finally took action in a more practical safer route with more testimonials - Seth's course. I have been putting that off too. Mental health is really important. Environment is really important too.