Today

What am I doing?

Right now I cannot decide how to go about moving on with my life.

Career decisions are so crucial. Should I become a teacher, police officer, or continue my course on UX?

I've already procrastinated and dread the whole UX course since it is all online.

I am lost and cannot find myself. I was solely focus on this course and work but then I just couldn't overcome the obstacles. The course achievement barely started.

So much time has been wasted and I am losing myself inside as well as the world. I have no idea what I am doing. I know that I am doing the wrong thing by wasting time and being at a depressed state and impacting my family members but I do not know how to go about being "normal."

I am too hard on myself and too timid. I have not much to say or offer... I feel like I have lost interest in all things and even curiosity in developing something new.

Why do I get bored so easily or quit so often?

I don't even plan my future right or stick to it... I easily forget what my purpose is.

I wasn't always like this..... I was very resilient and positive before.

When I kept getting rejected and failing to make it in the world for a career since 2013 (5 years ago) I've been shooting myself in the food. Jumping jobs after jobs not satisfied or belong anywhere...

So self-absorbed to the point of shutting down the world around me. Stuck in my terrible ways and my issue. So so bad. And this in turn churns and churns fueling more negativity / vibe.

I am so sorry but that's not enough. Sorry does not cut it. I know I need to take responsibility and take action yet I don't make it happen.

What is my fuel? What is my drive? What do I want out of life? SUCCESS / career / money / fitting in a world that I don't feel like I fit in.

Social skills / career / adaptability...

Move on by putting in Effort and Work while Focusing on Growth

1. Growth mindset - Focus on growth. Focus on effort and don't listen to negative head chatter. Reframe negativity into positivity.
2. In the end we all have a choice.
3. Suffering is self-created.
4. Adapt - Move on - Overcome obstacles. Do not let obstacles dictate who you are as a person. Keep on finding solutions to your problems.
5. Keep on Keeping on with the Positive Mental Attitude (PMA)
6. Change yourself first in order to change your world.

Re-learning - There's no such thing as depression

If there was no such thing or knowledge of depression or self-consciousness what would I do?

I would continue to live my life not over-analyzing shit. I am still young. STILL. What can I do? What can I put my mind into? What what what what what what what? Am I focusing on pleasure, joy, or happiness? Am I focused on healing or serving? Am I too selfish and just focusing on myself?

I need to build myself to be the best so I can help others! Keep at it!

Then and Now Reflection

Student who works hard throughout Elementary

Middle school - Quiet but still did all assignments. Had some PreAP classes. BSA.

High school - Private / work study / XC & Track for four years. Quiet / Volunteering at a daycare / Prepare for College (excited wanted to do 4 years at a dorm away from home)

College - Wanted to finish in time (4 years). End up doing community college locally. Was so easy thanks to High school prep. Got into PUA and self-development / gym. Apply self and did work study. Found my own job. Got a few scholarship and joined some clubs but clubs weren't active. Didn't join Anime club but wanted to at one point. Joined Yoga club. Did meditation.

Transfer to College - Decided to major in Psych. Didn't know end goal. Did not look ahead. Positive. Took classes that I think were fun and would be helpful - Creativity, improv, singing. Still didn't make friends. Commuted / drove little brother from and to school. PUA distraction. Low grades = lost scholarship. First time repeated a class. Saturday Ocean group.

Graduated - no job. Apply and got some interviews but no luck. Went to job fair with friend who on same boat. Work whatever job could find trying to pay back student debt. Hustled hard to earn money even drove for rideshare. Was down. Still went out often. Thought I didn't qualify for graduate programs because of GPA and no recommendations.

Sought Pua and DMC to heal from feeling low. Didn't like direction of working and making little money+stress. Made lots of friends through pua even got a temp position.

Got hope to go back to school for Code and Video but didn't stick to either. Was reading lots of books on business and self-help. Vietnam trip.

Apply for Police and backup plan military. Served. Went for Personal training certificate. Got it and job but manager changed and didn't get to work. Into working out at the gym. Got into CCA position and trained for it. Worked but it was back breaking and really stressful with workload and health decline. Was doing KF still. Graduated 2x. Failed 1 - sought medical help. But got back on my feet and Graduated. Did sales which was going well but manager changed. Wasn't making enough money so quit before going to train.  Thought about going back for MA in counseling. Brother said not a legit college. Did research but didn't apply.

Now back from the the training and have a more open scheduled. Decided to pursue UX. End up getting a job working part time that has a random schedule. Drill once a week. Feeling the juggling between demands.

Negatives - wasting time, idle, sleepiness and laziness. No creativity or interest in much. No more KF. Still into self-dev and books but less on books.

Positives - Healthy, Opportunities in UX, Part time job, few dates

Themes

1. Too Quiet = less friends, networking, less intel
2. Open-minded to try new thing = did a lot but didn't stick
3. Forgetful as in my roots - how hard it was for my parents to make it and so I think I take things for granted. Read so many books but not enough action.
4. Too self-absorbed in my own insecurities...
5. Not taking initiative - fear - lack self-confidence

How to change? 

1. Take action. Take positive, good, focused, right action
2. Be positive. 
3. Do good. 
4. Focus on good. 
5. Be committed to achieving goals.

Not Drilling

Right now I feel stuck... I am working on something I have no idea about nor anyone have any idea how to do. This is given by leadership.

Give us things and we have to figure it out with little to no information.

What to do?

Expect us to think on the fly or google it all? What if I cannot find anything worthwhile?

I'm stuck and I feel like I'm wasting so much time. I cannot move forward if I'm stuck at this location not progressing in this work. How can I do this? In the end I have to do this on my own.

How do I be positive and happy if I am stagnant and this thing is weighing me down?

This thing is consuming my life and time. I do not even talk to anyone. I have no idea what to talk about either.