I Control My Happiness

Rejection
I got rejected today. Both Shelbi and Stephanie rejected me even though I've spent time talking to them. I mean even if they do not find me as an attractive, potential, attractive, partner they could at least still keep in touch with me as friends.

I guess the world of a girl is different and they are not obligated to text back. Women probably change so often. Maybe they found someone. At least have the courtesy to let me know hahaha.

When you're different you are different for doing the right thing and it backfires... :'(

Energized
Anyway today I felt flow. I felt so much energy I had to go to the gym. I said to myself I will be Superman meaning I will develop my body so much with the free time that I have to be JACKED. I was bored anyways and did not know what to do for fun.

Funny thing is I check facebook and instantly found an event to go to tomorrow. This flow man is exciting and it is guiding me towards the right direction. I need to heed it.

So the benefits of the gym is no joke. WTF have I been doing not testing out this proven scientific fact that exercise improves mood and the brain? Such a stubborn fool lol. Lesson learned. No more back tracking now. I got to keep moving forward with BRUTE FORCE like the pilot of Barbatos.

I flowed in speaking (not thinking) as well as feeling time passed by fast while working out. I had a positive mental attitude or good sense of well-being. I had ideas coming to me like go read Education of a Bodybuilder. Go review old notes and apply them. Even social skill notes.

Today

What am I doing?

Right now I cannot decide how to go about moving on with my life.

Career decisions are so crucial. Should I become a teacher, police officer, or continue my course on UX?

I've already procrastinated and dread the whole UX course since it is all online.

I am lost and cannot find myself. I was solely focus on this course and work but then I just couldn't overcome the obstacles. The course achievement barely started.

So much time has been wasted and I am losing myself inside as well as the world. I have no idea what I am doing. I know that I am doing the wrong thing by wasting time and being at a depressed state and impacting my family members but I do not know how to go about being "normal."

I am too hard on myself and too timid. I have not much to say or offer... I feel like I have lost interest in all things and even curiosity in developing something new.

Why do I get bored so easily or quit so often?

I don't even plan my future right or stick to it... I easily forget what my purpose is.

I wasn't always like this..... I was very resilient and positive before.

When I kept getting rejected and failing to make it in the world for a career since 2013 (5 years ago) I've been shooting myself in the food. Jumping jobs after jobs not satisfied or belong anywhere...

So self-absorbed to the point of shutting down the world around me. Stuck in my terrible ways and my issue. So so bad. And this in turn churns and churns fueling more negativity / vibe.

I am so sorry but that's not enough. Sorry does not cut it. I know I need to take responsibility and take action yet I don't make it happen.

What is my fuel? What is my drive? What do I want out of life? SUCCESS / career / money / fitting in a world that I don't feel like I fit in.

Social skills / career / adaptability...

Move on by putting in Effort and Work while Focusing on Growth

1. Growth mindset - Focus on growth. Focus on effort and don't listen to negative head chatter. Reframe negativity into positivity.
2. In the end we all have a choice.
3. Suffering is self-created.
4. Adapt - Move on - Overcome obstacles. Do not let obstacles dictate who you are as a person. Keep on finding solutions to your problems.
5. Keep on Keeping on with the Positive Mental Attitude (PMA)
6. Change yourself first in order to change your world.

Re-learning - There's no such thing as depression

If there was no such thing or knowledge of depression or self-consciousness what would I do?

I would continue to live my life not over-analyzing shit. I am still young. STILL. What can I do? What can I put my mind into? What what what what what what what? Am I focusing on pleasure, joy, or happiness? Am I focused on healing or serving? Am I too selfish and just focusing on myself?

I need to build myself to be the best so I can help others! Keep at it!

Then and Now Reflection

Student who works hard throughout Elementary

Middle school - Quiet but still did all assignments. Had some PreAP classes. BSA.

High school - Private / work study / XC & Track for four years. Quiet / Volunteering at a daycare / Prepare for College (excited wanted to do 4 years at a dorm away from home)

College - Wanted to finish in time (4 years). End up doing community college locally. Was so easy thanks to High school prep. Got into PUA and self-development / gym. Apply self and did work study. Found my own job. Got a few scholarship and joined some clubs but clubs weren't active. Didn't join Anime club but wanted to at one point. Joined Yoga club. Did meditation.

Transfer to College - Decided to major in Psych. Didn't know end goal. Did not look ahead. Positive. Took classes that I think were fun and would be helpful - Creativity, improv, singing. Still didn't make friends. Commuted / drove little brother from and to school. PUA distraction. Low grades = lost scholarship. First time repeated a class. Saturday Ocean group.

Graduated - no job. Apply and got some interviews but no luck. Went to job fair with friend who on same boat. Work whatever job could find trying to pay back student debt. Hustled hard to earn money even drove for rideshare. Was down. Still went out often. Thought I didn't qualify for graduate programs because of GPA and no recommendations.

Sought Pua and DMC to heal from feeling low. Didn't like direction of working and making little money+stress. Made lots of friends through pua even got a temp position.

Got hope to go back to school for Code and Video but didn't stick to either. Was reading lots of books on business and self-help. Vietnam trip.

Apply for Police and backup plan military. Served. Went for Personal training certificate. Got it and job but manager changed and didn't get to work. Into working out at the gym. Got into CCA position and trained for it. Worked but it was back breaking and really stressful with workload and health decline. Was doing KF still. Graduated 2x. Failed 1 - sought medical help. But got back on my feet and Graduated. Did sales which was going well but manager changed. Wasn't making enough money so quit before going to train.  Thought about going back for MA in counseling. Brother said not a legit college. Did research but didn't apply.

Now back from the the training and have a more open scheduled. Decided to pursue UX. End up getting a job working part time that has a random schedule. Drill once a week. Feeling the juggling between demands.

Negatives - wasting time, idle, sleepiness and laziness. No creativity or interest in much. No more KF. Still into self-dev and books but less on books.

Positives - Healthy, Opportunities in UX, Part time job, few dates

Themes

1. Too Quiet = less friends, networking, less intel
2. Open-minded to try new thing = did a lot but didn't stick
3. Forgetful as in my roots - how hard it was for my parents to make it and so I think I take things for granted. Read so many books but not enough action.
4. Too self-absorbed in my own insecurities...
5. Not taking initiative - fear - lack self-confidence

How to change? 

1. Take action. Take positive, good, focused, right action
2. Be positive. 
3. Do good. 
4. Focus on good. 
5. Be committed to achieving goals.

Not Drilling

Right now I feel stuck... I am working on something I have no idea about nor anyone have any idea how to do. This is given by leadership.

Give us things and we have to figure it out with little to no information.

What to do?

Expect us to think on the fly or google it all? What if I cannot find anything worthwhile?

I'm stuck and I feel like I'm wasting so much time. I cannot move forward if I'm stuck at this location not progressing in this work. How can I do this? In the end I have to do this on my own.

How do I be positive and happy if I am stagnant and this thing is weighing me down?

This thing is consuming my life and time. I do not even talk to anyone. I have no idea what to talk about either.

Themes of Dragon Ball Super (Season complete)

Watched the last episode today - episode 131 of DBS. It was such a great ending and it exceeded what I think DBS would be. This is the first time I ever finished a DBS series.

Let's see what moral I got from it.

1. Friendship and Trust - Trust is the foundation of friendship and no one is where they are at without their family or friends. Choose wisely who you want to associate yourself with. Keep the loyal and good ones that challenge you.

2. Never Give Up  - Simple as that. Did Goku and his friends ever give up? No. Neither did Goku's foes or the other characters of the other Universes. This theme of never giving up made each and everyone of them grow stronger than they were. This theme created suspense because it was a back and forth battle until the end (you never know when the end would come).

3. Persistence - I should say this is what allows the never giving up character.

4. Character - Android 17 was such a cool cat. He was persistent, thoughtful, and was the last one to survive and made the right wish with the Super Dragon Balls. Goku was also a character. He is loyal, fun, and himself (like a monkey that he is).

5. Internally Motivated - Vegeta, Jiren, Goku, and most characters had their "eyes on the prize" as well as closed ones who "trusted" in them and supported them to get back up when they fall. If they had quit they would have never reached a higher level and become stronger.

6. Goal-oriented / Creativity - The fighters believe in succeeding so they find creative ways to win a fight whether it be strategic or use of land forms.

7. High Standards - Jiren: to be the strongest and victorious. Vegeta: to maintain his dignity as a Prince of Saiyans.

8. Pride - Different characters are motivated by different means. Vegeta is and was raised to be prideful in the Saiyan race. Therefore he does everything with utmost excellence and pride.

9. Trust in oneself - Each had something to offer and were confident in him/herself with the exception of the timid girl.

10. Believe in the Process - Look at Goku who leveled up so many times in the this series. He kept pushing himself and having faith in himself. He does this for his family and friends (happy life). He isn't selfish to think only of his needs or wants. He is family man as well as a loyal friend. His goal is simple - it is to be the strongest. To have fun while training is what Goku is about. He also is not afraid of hard work. He works damn hard on his passion as a martial artists and helps out his family and friends with his hard work + talent.

Just got inspiration while at home. Needed to get outside and be social so I hit up my friend and see if he is going to WC class. Luckily it was the day he is going. He said it would only last an hour and then 3 hours later lol we were out in the cold the whole time. It got cold as the sun went down.

Well no surprise here - I guess I am a catalyst for my "best friend" whom I reunited. He's being doing well. He could have done so much better if he had kept his FT job! He was really well off and I can see him spend that cash if you will. I say no surprise because he is doing everything that I like or mentioned to him. He's gone doing WC, going to the gym, and started meditation as well! WTH since when does he meditates? Even when I invited him several times before he wasn't interested. He never gives me credit for doing what he does. He just gives some random excuse or other reason as if it was all his idea. Guess that's why I'm salty sometimes. But okay I'll get over this since I know him for too long. I should feel joy and happy for him that he is improving. Oh and he's going out of his way to talk to girls too. It's like mini me - and he got mad at me saying we are too similar...

Okay anyways back to the WC class. The instructor was freaking cool. No power trip or hiding information. He's definitely passionate about his job and it shows. Lots of value here and more chillax because it's not an official dojo but I think I can learn a whole lot more than my previous CKF class. CKF I think became commercialized. Nah it's still a good class since we get personal attention and the TA makes sure we are doing the right moves.

But look at my friend! He's been there for 3 months and he's been pretty kick ass. His arms got swoled and I believe even he got the patterns down.

CW really drills the instinctive part into you. It is simple and flows really nice. You get to feel the other person's "energy" and adapt and overcome obstacles. It looks badass. Damn if I have time I'd learn all the MA in the world!!!

Imagine what this does to the brain. Quick reflexes should be kept sharp and doing drills will make one good and not forgetful like I am with CKF :(.

Dream - Random house with Random people

I dreamed during the day because I didn't get enough sleep. That's because I took a nap that became more than a nap. I dreamed that I was in someone's house and there were a lot of Asian in their 20-30s living / renting it. Two girls undressed themselves for me and I was confused what was going on. It was cold outside but all these people were wearing summer season clothing.

In my second dream I was walking with some man and we stopped at a closet with a lot of doors. I we opened the door and climb in. There was a hidden door to go up a tree house and we also took the same way down.

Small in Big Big World

Hello blog it's been awhile.

I feel so blank or empty if you will. I just do not have anyone I really like.

To take things into perspective I am merely 1 sand in billions of sand. There are so many lives and different people out there and here I am thinking about myself.

I am a waking adult who is trying to find his place in this world.

It is pretty awe inspiring to zoom out and see how big the world is and how minuscule an individual can be.

In today's time an individual does have the power to change many many lives as well. So this is not to disregard their power. Anyone can have an effect on one another but how oh how can I have any effect on another person when I do not feel passionate about anything?j

To start, I don't care a lot about most people. And I know that people are able to connect me with necessary knowledge all. Even so what is this all about?