Nothing or Something?

Before I had always believed what people believed - that the goal in life was to obtain money, status, or fame. I turned into spirituality which taught me otherwise. Then I had forgotten what it means to be truly happy. There has to be a balance in my opinion between wants and spiritual fulfillment. At my age, I cannot go by without thinking about making money to get the things I need.../ or want? I didn't ask for much. I didn't have what the regular college students have like ipad/iphone/nice cars/girls/etc. I never asked for much and I never got it and I still haven't.

As a result I did not really feel a sense of joy. I felt more like I was isolating myself because I could barely relate to everyday people. What they watch/wear/use/want did not concern me. My hobbies became limited and I became "judgmental." I became to suffer and am suffering from loneliness. I just couldn't relate much to people to keep them around or even better to start a long and interesting conversation.

Many people do not find spirituality or religion a worthy topic to discuss anyways. It's sort of eccentric and off the wall woo woo that people could careless about.

I just don't know. I'm sure seeking material/fame/wealth/status does make life more worth living because there's something to strive for. I can't just listen to old sages say "listen to the stillness" / "be nice" wooo woo and end up poor and still unhappy. I don't know why I am attracted to religious or spiritual figures but I think they've serve me a lost purpose because I don't see a worthy goal in life or a clear path by following them.

WHAT IS MY PATH? WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH? IS LIFE ALL ABOUT TRIAL AND ERROR AND LEARNING FROM ONE'S OWN EXPERIENCES?

Lessons for Today

1. Follow my Heart/Belly - think for myself - ignore BS

2. Be non-judgmental of people and situations / don't compare

3. Be present with life - trust the process - outcome independent

4. Don't be attached to greed or fear

5. Believe in myself (Self-confidence) / Remind myself / Take action 

6. Passion + Action + Commitment = Success

I'm scared of the future. I am so fucking scared. What will be the outcome if I don't plan things now? How do I plan for what is now if I am indecisive?

When money is the main issue and time is passing by what do I have to hold on to?

What can I do? Where can I start? Who can I talk to? How will I feel better about myself at all when I am lacking basic human needs?

I don't want to be working for little pay. I don't want to waste my youth. I don't want to make the right decision.

I want freedom from bosses, competition, and freedom from financial means. But what talent do I have to offer to this world? Seems like those who care about others aren't wealthy... I don't know. Sucks being clueless and out of school...

All I can think about is money! MONEY ! MONEY! my brain is literally shouting this out as I type this sentence.

NO MONEY NO HONEY. NO money no fun. NO money no tv/internet/phone/life. MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT TO DO TO GET MONEY!!! I'VE felt like I've given up because I HAVE NO idea what I want to do with my life!

The same reoccurring thoughts keep on repeating itself. Until there is a solution this cycle continues on and on...

I don't even know how to follow my gut. Following gut doesn't mean going out of comfort zone does it? Confusing!

I don't want to do anything! No good jobs are out there! Ahhhh! I'm so angry and frustrated!

No one helps me. I always help other people why don't I get the same help in return? MONEY, MONEY, MONEY is always on my mind. Trying to meet ends without money is terrible. I need money, a job, relationships, a peace of mind!

What are my options? What the fuck? I have no fucking idea what I want to do that makes good money. Right now I am owing money and so I cannot do what I want! WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAH

No damn excuse, this is the truth. I am carrying such a heavy burden all because I was ignorant. Didn't create any meaning relationships during college. Didn't enjoy the part-time jobs. Didn't see any clubs that I was interested in! Didn't have a long-term goal! All I was doing was playing sc2 and reading self-help books. Books like being in the present moment and meditation? How are they suppose to help me with my future career plans?!

Please I ask for help from a divine being! I am so frustrated!

Life's a Gamble

Ah, I don't know if I should reveal my blog to everyone or not. Will it have an negative or positive affect on me if people I know read this? I don't mind if the people I know read this if they happen to glance by it with some interest I am just blogging about myself. I tend to change and my posts change too.

It's amazing how easily I changed or am I changing at all? Am I changing for the betterment of my self or am I depriving myself of the goods in life? What can I do right now to help my family member? Should I be focusing on small steps to get myself out of debt? What can I talk about when all these negative thoughts which are truths keep on revolving around my head?

The future is really unpredictable and the consequences are huge. Action determines future outcome. I need to expect certainty in a positive outcome from taking the right actions. Maybe this is what is meant by right action. I need to trust myself and my brain. Never let go of certainty and respect for myself.

This too shall pass. These days where I wander lost. Where I am fearful of the future. Where I am thinking way too far ahead. I think BABY STEPS are the answer.

I also need to finish my challenges. I said that I am going to complete this BS degree than I am going to do it. INTEGRITY.

Good things WILL happen! I don't need to be dependent on the outcome but as long as my INTENTIONS are clear I will accomplish anything I want. That means having an awesome social circle of trustworthy friends, making good money, doing what I love, being positive.

I won't waste time on negative thoughts! NO! I must act now!