C'mon

I really have too much time on my hands and I have not been spending it wisely obviously. THIS is a reoccurring habit and it sucks. The way I feel everyday (bored, tired, emotionless) is eating me up as well. Why can't I connect with people, not to even mention my cousins or family members!?

I am feeling so energized to get things done! I just want the BEST! (ARETE + VIRTUS). I want to feel that abundance as if I can do anything and be anything I want. I want to let something FLOW inside my body so I can just do it! So that I can just creatively weave my way around obstacles. NO ego.

Nothing or Something?

Before I had always believed what people believed - that the goal in life was to obtain money, status, or fame. I turned into spirituality which taught me otherwise. Then I had forgotten what it means to be truly happy. There has to be a balance in my opinion between wants and spiritual fulfillment. At my age, I cannot go by without thinking about making money to get the things I need.../ or want? I didn't ask for much. I didn't have what the regular college students have like ipad/iphone/nice cars/girls/etc. I never asked for much and I never got it and I still haven't.

As a result I did not really feel a sense of joy. I felt more like I was isolating myself because I could barely relate to everyday people. What they watch/wear/use/want did not concern me. My hobbies became limited and I became "judgmental." I became to suffer and am suffering from loneliness. I just couldn't relate much to people to keep them around or even better to start a long and interesting conversation.

Many people do not find spirituality or religion a worthy topic to discuss anyways. It's sort of eccentric and off the wall woo woo that people could careless about.

I just don't know. I'm sure seeking material/fame/wealth/status does make life more worth living because there's something to strive for. I can't just listen to old sages say "listen to the stillness" / "be nice" wooo woo and end up poor and still unhappy. I don't know why I am attracted to religious or spiritual figures but I think they've serve me a lost purpose because I don't see a worthy goal in life or a clear path by following them.

WHAT IS MY PATH? WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH? IS LIFE ALL ABOUT TRIAL AND ERROR AND LEARNING FROM ONE'S OWN EXPERIENCES?

Lessons for Today

1. Follow my Heart/Belly - think for myself - ignore BS

2. Be non-judgmental of people and situations / don't compare

3. Be present with life - trust the process - outcome independent

4. Don't be attached to greed or fear

5. Believe in myself (Self-confidence) / Remind myself / Take action 

6. Passion + Action + Commitment = Success

I'm scared of the future. I am so fucking scared. What will be the outcome if I don't plan things now? How do I plan for what is now if I am indecisive?

When money is the main issue and time is passing by what do I have to hold on to?

What can I do? Where can I start? Who can I talk to? How will I feel better about myself at all when I am lacking basic human needs?

I don't want to be working for little pay. I don't want to waste my youth. I don't want to make the right decision.

I want freedom from bosses, competition, and freedom from financial means. But what talent do I have to offer to this world? Seems like those who care about others aren't wealthy... I don't know. Sucks being clueless and out of school...

All I can think about is money! MONEY ! MONEY! my brain is literally shouting this out as I type this sentence.

NO MONEY NO HONEY. NO money no fun. NO money no tv/internet/phone/life. MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT TO DO TO GET MONEY!!! I'VE felt like I've given up because I HAVE NO idea what I want to do with my life!

The same reoccurring thoughts keep on repeating itself. Until there is a solution this cycle continues on and on...

I don't even know how to follow my gut. Following gut doesn't mean going out of comfort zone does it? Confusing!

I don't want to do anything! No good jobs are out there! Ahhhh! I'm so angry and frustrated!

No one helps me. I always help other people why don't I get the same help in return? MONEY, MONEY, MONEY is always on my mind. Trying to meet ends without money is terrible. I need money, a job, relationships, a peace of mind!

What are my options? What the fuck? I have no fucking idea what I want to do that makes good money. Right now I am owing money and so I cannot do what I want! WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAH

No damn excuse, this is the truth. I am carrying such a heavy burden all because I was ignorant. Didn't create any meaning relationships during college. Didn't enjoy the part-time jobs. Didn't see any clubs that I was interested in! Didn't have a long-term goal! All I was doing was playing sc2 and reading self-help books. Books like being in the present moment and meditation? How are they suppose to help me with my future career plans?!

Please I ask for help from a divine being! I am so frustrated!

Life's a Gamble

Ah, I don't know if I should reveal my blog to everyone or not. Will it have an negative or positive affect on me if people I know read this? I don't mind if the people I know read this if they happen to glance by it with some interest I am just blogging about myself. I tend to change and my posts change too.

It's amazing how easily I changed or am I changing at all? Am I changing for the betterment of my self or am I depriving myself of the goods in life? What can I do right now to help my family member? Should I be focusing on small steps to get myself out of debt? What can I talk about when all these negative thoughts which are truths keep on revolving around my head?

The future is really unpredictable and the consequences are huge. Action determines future outcome. I need to expect certainty in a positive outcome from taking the right actions. Maybe this is what is meant by right action. I need to trust myself and my brain. Never let go of certainty and respect for myself.

This too shall pass. These days where I wander lost. Where I am fearful of the future. Where I am thinking way too far ahead. I think BABY STEPS are the answer.

I also need to finish my challenges. I said that I am going to complete this BS degree than I am going to do it. INTEGRITY.

Good things WILL happen! I don't need to be dependent on the outcome but as long as my INTENTIONS are clear I will accomplish anything I want. That means having an awesome social circle of trustworthy friends, making good money, doing what I love, being positive.

I won't waste time on negative thoughts! NO! I must act now!

What...?

Somewhere in my college years I f*cked up. I was not persistent in want I wanted. I read too many spirituality book and was super high on them. Reading books like be good and be in the present moment or be non-attached made me not care about anything. Now reality is hitting me in the ass.

Before I did not have many friends. At college I tried to get out of my shell slowly. I eventually desire friends and probably became needy. Then now I am still alone. I fucked up not being persistent in pursuing anything that I want. I have a short interest and short attention span? I feel so lost. Before I was a totally different person than I am now.

Now I'm all into thinking stupid shit like the future/making money/hitting on girls/RSD. It's leading me no where. I feel like I have no more interest in anything. Am I depressed or is this an ego problem? I have no idea. I can sit at home and read all day which I have done before but this is not doing it for me. I've stayed at home and watch movies too. I like writing movie reviews or what I gather from the movie but still I am not satisfied with life. I have no idea what I want now.

Before I use to want to go to Korea really badly/I wanted to be an MMA fighter/fashion designer/be on my own. But now I'm attached to my family but they can care less. They are happy where they are...

BE HAPPY!!!

3 Dreams?

I dreamed, woke up and dreamed again. One dream that I slightly remember is me talking to a blonde girl. She was trying to play hard to get so I said I don't play games. Then I felt that this might have turned her off. I then generalized that women are so stupid because all they want is to be stimulated by drama.

Ocean Heaven Movie

Father knowing that he is dying does whatever he can to prepare his autistic son's life. Even dressed up as a turtle and imitate/play with his son while alive knowing that his son who loves to swim in an aquarium can swim with the turtle (resembling father).

Movie is dedicated to "ordinary heroes" which are parents who sacrifice themselves day in and out for the well-being of their offspring.

Yin/Yang after Jet Li the father dies, Dafu the autistic boy successfully can take care of himself and does everything that his father had prepared for him. His father would be so happy in "heaven."

Ocean heaven - where Dafu can swim with his dad.

Depressing how his mom killed herself because she couldn't stand the fact that her son is autistic. People who give up on life let many others down and bring burden to others. People who suicide are very selfish because of this as well as wasting their precious life not being able to contribute or share their gifts to the world/society.

What a movie about strong will to live and about accepting life and taking responsibility as a parent.

Sayonara, Itsuka (Goodbey, Someday) Movie

Sayonara Itsuka Poem

To live is to prepare for goodbye;
For loneliness is a friend who will not betray
Shiver not into pouring love instead buy an umbrella;

Believe not in happiness, even in the passions of love
Confess not your love even if you would die for it;

For love is like a season;
It comes and goes to decorate life’s boredom;

The moment you call it Love,
it melts away, like an ice sculpture…

Goodbye someday
Happiness lasts not forever, as despair lasts not forever.

Somedays there is goodbye;
Somedays, theres is Hello

At death,
some look back on being loved;
While some look back on having loved…
I shall look back on having loved…

Guy is noble. Very nonreactive. Stern face. Only smiles and rewards woman sometimes. Woman is the one pursuing him. His pride does get in the way of love because he couldn't muster the words to say I love you. Well that's Japanese culture for you.

I like the general idea of this poem which coincides with Zen/Tao/Yin and Yang. Talks about fleeting moments of life. How things are impermanent. But in the end where it talks about "looking back" I think this brings up a feeling of remorse and regret. Almost as to say that this person is attached to the past. I say almost because choosing to say that he/she "shall look back on having loved..." He/she is aware that the past is long gone.

Norwegian Wood Movie

Guy is submissive. Gets lucky often. He is very cool and way too laid back. Says ofcourse/yes often to life. He builds comfort really well. He is in his early 20s so he doesn't have a stable core yet.

Girls in the movie are controlling and crazy.

3 People suicide because of love issues. They are "degenerates" who pity themselves while main character lives through his sorrows and moves on. Living life.

The Accidental Spy

Guy (Jackie Chan) believes/trust/follows his intuition. Often right. Does things flowingly. No analyzing. Spontaneous. Almost perfect.