THE I DON'T KNOW RANT

Lately I've been feeling really stressed out about life in general. About all the minute details and cynicism. About  all the negative things I see and discussed with a pal of mine (Ken). I've just been depressed. No energy to get up in the morning. Nothing to look forward to at all. No goals or ambitions even though I wrote down my goals every year. No idea. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to the world and to myself. I'm so individualistic and self-absorbed that I can't help it. I see other people who are struggling and trying to make it but are spiritually lost like me to and so I know that I am not the only one. I have trouble making decisions. This in turn makes a horrible leader and self-destructive. I'm super insecure about my acne which has gotten a lot better. Surprisingly my skin tone has gotten a lot better after returning from training and I look so much younger (even baby face). I feel like I need a foundation because the foundation I had (Falun Dafa) I no longer believe in. It's made me too passive. Too cowardly. Too much forbearance that it appears as though I don't give a fuck. I'm a clusterfuck and I know it. I'm so honest with myself that I show it. No one wants to be around me and I don't want to be around people who I have no interest in getting to know. What is life? I feel like whenever I'm not doing anything like lying in my bed or just trying to fall asleep after eating lunch or dinner that I'm just wasting my life away stuck in my head. Not knowing where to go or what to do or who to look up to. Although I read self-improvement blogs religiously like B&D, GLL, and sometimes D&P I don't even act on what I read. I feel like it's true that people just feel motivated by reading shit but never follow through. Speed implementation is required? Is it the truth? I feel like I am so gullible that I read everything and like everything but in the end I have nothing because I can't choose. Information is overload and information is critical and misaligned. Info is contradicting is what I'm saying. I feel like I am my worst enemy yet I don't know what to do because I don't have a mission in life or a goal. I say that yet I write down goals and don't look at them often or act out my goals. It's really hard for me to apply anything. I don't know what is holding me back. Is it bad habits? Is it so narrow minded that I have no social intelligence?  Why is it that I can't do what I want. What do I want? Stop asking questions? Or ask questions and find answers? It has been the same shit. A cycle of mental masturbation. A cycle of self-absorption and suffering. I no longer know who I am because I was listening to Falun Gong on non-attachment. To not be attached to anything. So I'm nothing pretty much. I have no personality nor anything going for me since I don't desire anything. I don't desire suffering yet I'm suffering.